Perpetual Buffering

Buffering is the worst. It gets all the more frustrating when you are trying to watch a tv show on netflix or hulu and every 3 seconds it stops and buffers. We all know that spinning circle of doom- and we all hate it. I mean, come on, we think we've got something good going with our internet company- we pay them, they guarantee we can have streaming of whatever we want! But we all know that's not true.
But isn't that life sometimes? You think you've got something good with someone, you think you are starting to understand them, get to know them. Then, all of a sudden they start buffering on you. It seems they just keep stopping to "think", leaving you in limbo to try and figure out when they are ever coming back. Maybe sometimes they don't, and eventually you give up and try to refresh the situation. There's only so much you can do. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The worst part about the abrupt buffering is that there is no warning. There aren't any signs, sometimes, it just comes out of nowhere. And more often than not, that causes anger, instead of an attempt at trying to understand the situation. You might go through some stages- confusion, trying to understand from their perspective (then failing cause they gave you no explanation), crying, feeling betrayed, and usually hatred or anger starts to set in at the end there. Then you might just walk away; it's not worth the time or heart ache to stick around. There are other fish... I mean, internet companies out there. Move on, you deserve better than someone who ignores you and walks away without any explanation.
It hurts to get emotionally invested in something that keeps pausing on you, unsure on if it wants to continue or not. As much as you tell yourself you are just going to go with the flow and not let yourself get attached, we know that that is much easier said than done. If you have a heart, most likely you are going to care about that other person and become attached a little more as time goes on. That's why it hurts all the more when they pause. Racking your brain for what you could have possibly done different, done better, is pointless. If they don't want to have you and they do not have the decency to explain things to your face, then they are not worth your time or your heart ache. I believe that God puts some people in our lives to help us get closer to the other ones in our lives, and learn not to take them for granted. You always find out who your closest and dearest friends and family are when you are going through rough times.
On that note, though, there is someone who is never going to leave you, He will never abandon you. God loves you. He loves us all, so much, in fact, that he sent His only Son to die for all of us, because of our sin. He loves us so much and did not want us to suffer in eternal damnation because of that sin, that He sacrificed His only son. Find your joy in knowing that God is always going to be there, no matter what. No matter how many times you reject Him, no matter how many times you push Him away and tell yourself that you do not need Him or His salvation, He is never going to stop loving you. He will never turn His back on you. Having a perpetual savior is much better than dealing with life's perpetual buffering.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"The Steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

My Day of Silence

As part of a national campaign for Students For Life of America, today was a "Pro-life day of silent solidarity" where students across the country gave up their voices for a day for those over 3,000 babies a day that have their lives end in the name of choice. I was very excited to join in on this today because it is such a visual representation of what is actually happening to these babies. I was also incredibly nervous. As most people know, I do not like the spot light, I do not like being looked at very much, and this definitely drew a lot of eyes. At the same time, though, I could feel an uncomfortable air from a number of people. It was like watching in a zoo, except, I wasn't sure what side of the glass I was on. At times it felt like I was watching the animals; watching what they do when something different, something controversial comes around. And then of course I felt like the monkey everyone was watching because I have a giant piece of red duct tape across my mouth reading "LIFE" and a shirt that says "I will use my voice for those who cannot speak." Yep, I am a walking controversial billboard. One guy was having a conversation, saw me and stopped to read it and then said "Yeah, okay" like he was annoyed or just blowing it off. (But he read it.)

The point is, this day of silence was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I prayed for courage this morning because I did not know if I could actually get through this. Because I want to explain, I want to talk to people about it, engage them in conversation about abortion and why these children should get to have a voice. Turns out, though, silence speaks louder than you think sometimes. It gets the wheels turning and puts the thought into people's minds because, quite frankly, it is a rather odd display and a pretty powerful one at that.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you, He will not leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

I think that best part about this day is what I personally learned from it. Imagine sitting in a class where people bring up something you know a lot about- even better, maybe the bible is brought up, or abortion or some other controversial issue that you feel strongly about. Now imagine that you do not get to say a thing. Almost literally having to hold your tongue when you know that this could be a chance to evangelize; this could be a chance to teach; this could be a chance to change someone's heart or mind on an idea, a chance to save a life. But you can't. You can't speak, you can't communicate. What if it was your life you could save? But you can't speak. And you never will because other human beings have made that decision for you.
You deserve a voice. They deserve a voice. Those infants in their mother's womb, they deserve a chance to live a life where they get to use their voice. They deserve the chance to be sitting in class and talking about something they've learned a lot about. They deserve the chance to experience talking about something that they are passionate about, a chance to help some cause they feel strongly about.

Last night my roommate commented that it was depressing that she wouldn't be able to talk to me all day today. All I could think is, how depressing for those children and the people who they will never get to touch with their lives; all the conversations they will never get to have. Now, that is depressing.

As sinful humans, we have no idea what God has planned for that child, only He does. We don't get to decide if they fulfill their potential or not, only He does.

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." 
Proverbs 19:21

After this experience, more than ever, I am ready and wanting to jump up and speak out for those children. Fight for their chance at a life, because I believe that everyone deserves that. That child who, from the moment of conception, has 46 of his/her own chromosomes making him or her their own unique person. That child who, at just 24 days, already has a beating heart. That child whom God has a plan for, just like He did for you and me. They deserve to find the joy in life, simply by first having a life.

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute." Proverbs 31:8

There Are No More Moves

I'm a solitaire person mostly, but I've been playing other games on my computer when I have no internet access but need something that does not require a lot of thought. At some point, in some games, you find yourself repeating the same actions, hitting the deck over and over again hoping a new card will show up that you can actually use. Eventually the computer picks up on it and sends you a pop up saying “There are no more moves” and you can either stay and undo a few moves to see if you can do something different or just start a new game, freshly shuffled with a new set up of the cards.

Gee, wouldn't it be nice if life did that sometimes? If something just hit us in the face saying, “there are no more moves, it is time to move on.” We don't even notice it sometimes then we find ourselves beating a dead horse, repeating the same mistakes over and over again. There are not any “undo” buttons in life. You do an action, maybe make a mistake, and then you deal with the consequences, good or bad. We keep looking through the deck, trying to find the same answer that maybe worked a different time, but only finding the same things that are of no use this time. It is time to move on. It is time to let go. Some games cannot be won. Some games have other games on top of them... Trumped by another player because they happened to sneak their way in and win over you. God tries to put up those signs that “there are no more moves”, he tries to nudge us along by putting people in our lives or situations, options, where we can get out, get away from this situation. Sometimes it is better to just “start a new game." Sometimes it is better to just walk away.

I have found that, for myself, I have a savior complex in some situations. I think that everything- everyONE- needs saving. I think that I can be the one to do that, if they would just give me a chance. No matter how much they might push me away. There are no undo buttons in life. Even if I did not see what happened. Even if I still do not know what happened, I cannot undo it. I may never know. That other player came in and moved some cards around without me knowing. Now I'm finding myself flipping through the same stack of cards, with the same solutions that are not helping in this situation. It is time to move on. Leave that player to play others, try to win over them. It is not your job to try and save this player from themselves. Only God can do that. You are not a savior. You are a player in God's story for you. Let Him use you where He will, but stop beating a dead horse when that person is not interested in your help.

Hit “Start a new game”- let God guide your moves. He is the champion of it all, so he's got to be the best coach. With God as your coach, how could you not find the joy in your life?

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you." Jeremiah 29:11-12

Forgiveness

I have been seeing, hearing, experiencing a lot that has to do with forgiveness lately. Forgiveness is obviously very important; both to give and to get. God tells us to forgive those who have wronged us. Our lovely human, sinful nature does not always like to do that, though. We hold grudges, we get angry, we seek revenge, we do not forgive. Now, that is not all the time, but a pretty good amount of it we try to get around actually forgiving someone because to us, that seems like defeat, or at least giving in a bit. Okay, maybe that's just me, who knows. The point is, treat others the way you want to be treated. You would want to be forgiven if your roles were switched. There are some things that need to be addressed, though, within this whole forgiveness thing.

1. Sometimes someone cannot seem to forgive you right when you say you are sorry. That is okay. I know, I just said that we need to forgive and not hold grudges, but that is much easier said than done. Most of he time when the other person says that they need time to think about it, they are mostly thinking through, going through some stages of grief possibly, and moving on. Sometimes we need that. Time can heal a lot of things. We cannot just be expected to jump right back to you because you said you were sorry- which brings me to #2.

2. Just because someone forgave you, that does not mean that things are going to go back to the way that they were before. Neither of you can erase what has happened, but if you really care about each other you can work through it together, and get past it- together. Forgiveness doesn't always mean fresh start. It can, eventually, but if you go into it with that expectation then things will go to crap really fast. The term "Forgive and forget" is much easier said than done. Things are not easily forgotten, but they can be worked through and moved past.

3. If you are saying sorry simply because it seems like the right thing to do but you are not actually that sorry, forget it. I know, this one is just in here because some people irk me. If you are not actually sorry, then save it, and let the person move on. I hope it eats at you, because you should be asking for forgiveness, whether you want to have a relationship, friendship or otherwise, with that person, or not. They need to know you are sorry so you can both just move past it.

4. Saying "It's okay" does not always equal "I forgive you". Please, for the sake of so many people's sanity's, be specific. Make sure they know that you forgave them. That does not mean that you have to welcome them back into your life like nothing happened. Especially in a case where the person apologizing feels absolutely terrible about what they did, hearing "it's okay" feels like you are just trying to brush it off and you don't care. Those three words "I forgive you" do a lot for a person.

We are all sinful and we all need forgiveness. The awesome news is that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins and he forgives us of all our sins.

"You forgave the iniquity of your people; you covered all their sin." Psalm 85:2

If you repent of your sins, the forgiveness is right there for you.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

So, yes, in this life, in our relationships, we will have to apologize and we will need to forgive. But we are not perfect. And we cannot expect others to be either. While forgiveness seems like it should be instant, some things take time. Give them that time. Forgiveness will come if you are genuinely sorry. If you have wronged someone, apologize. If someone has wronged you and they apologize, forgive them. But you do not have to do it right then and there. Taking time to process is okay, but do not forget to forgive.

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." Colossians 3:13

Most importantly, though, remember that you are forgiven by God. Think about how terrible you would feel if you did not know that you were forgiven for all of the terrible, sinful things that you have done. Christ's forgiveness brings peace. That, above all else, should bring some joy to your life.

"To him all the prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in Him receives forgiveness of sins through His name." Acts 10:43

Connections

Over two years ago I wrote something about how this town I grew up isn't actually all that bad. I wanted to just drive around and relive good memories, even some that weren't all that great because at this point I can laugh at them and I understand the lessons that were learned from it. I think I've hit a point in my life where those memories have pretty much fizzled out. There are new memories in my mind now, new mistakes that I would rather forget, new experiences I would have preferred to not have. It's all in God's plan, of course, and I believe that I needed to have those experiences and make those mistakes to get to where I am today. And where I am today is a pretty happy place.

Mistakes have been made, by many, in this past year. I met a lot of people that I might initially wish I hadn't, but they were put into my life for a reason. I find myself wondering if other people think about these paths like I do. It's amazing to think about how if you hadn't met this one person, or moved to this one place, or even just visited somewhere, your life could be completely different. It's incredible to think about how it is all connected; how He has entwined it all. Not only that God has planned it all out, but that He even did it before you were created. He knew all of this from the very beginning. Not just the beginning of your life, but from the beginning OF life. Talk about having connections. The big guy upstairs has got you, trust Him. He really does know what is best for you, He knows what's going to happen and He wants to protect you. He loves each and every one of us. I know that that little tid bit can be forgotten pretty easily.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither life nor death, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

It doesn't matter what mistakes we have made or how grave we think our sins are. Repent and ask Christ for forgiveness, you will receive it.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son. That whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him." John 3:16-17

This world is turning into a place that turns away from Christ and praises sins. But what joy, true joy, can you find in a life where there is no Christ? He loves us and He sent His son to save us from eternal damnation. You want a good connection for something that really matters, like your life, try trusting His plan. It'll be worth it, believe me.

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ- by grace you have been saved." Ephesians 2:4-5

New Chapters, New Me

For those of you who knew me in the past year, or read a lot of my blog, you know that the last year has been a whirlwind of emotions and new adventures, some good, some bad. I know that God had it all planned for a reason and I had the experiences I had for good reason. It is in my sinful nature, though, to question it all and wonder why some of it had to happen. There are quite a few instances that I could have done without, but I try to remember that it is all in God's plan. One of my friend's said that figuring out God's plan is like trying to put together a Rubik's cube. Granted, a Rubik's cube may eventually get soled, but for a lot of people it is just pointless to figure out because it's very complex. Keeps us on our toes though!
I know I haven't written in a while. There has been so much going on in life and in this country. I've wanted to write about it all but I felt like I couldn't do it justice. I have, however, written in my personal journal about it. And while writing in there I was looking back on everything I've written in the past year and a half since I got it. So I decided last week that I was going to start a new chapter.
A new chapter in there, a new chapter on here, a new chapter in life.

"Repent, therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out." Acts 3:19

Not that I imagine anyone who reads this really cares, but I thought I would put it out there. My own personal way of finding the joy in my life is to get rid of the things that just bring me down, which was half the people I met last year. Bad decisions were made, mistakes happened, and there's no going back on all of that. I think everyone has had these times in their lives. And we also all get to a point where we draw a line and keep the past in the past, not letting it anywhere near our future. I have reached that point. As far as I am concerned, I have my senior year of college to look forward to and that's it. Whatever happens happens, but the people and experiences from last year that caused me heartache or stress, the situations that caused me to hurt others, those are all gone. The new chapter has begun and with God as my author, I know that it is going to be an amazing next year.

Here's to really putting my trust in God and finding the joy He has in store for me in the next year, and beyond!

"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

"This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

"Well Why Don't You Marry It?"

Okay, admit it: We have all used this phrase at least once in our lives. Especially if you grew up in the 90's. Someone says they love something and the mocking/joking response was "Well, why don't you marry it?" Usually we were making fun of our siblings or a good friends excessive affection for something because in our 7 year old minds, if you love something or someone you should marry it/them. What is funny (and by funny I mean sad) is that that mentality does not seem to apply very much anymore, or at least not as quickly. People who seem to be "in love" and say that they are do not always jump straight to marriage. They feel this sense of needing to "test the waters" and see if this would really work. Live together for a bit to see if they can stand living with that other person. Sleep with each other to see if they are "truly compatible".

"But because of the temptation of sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband." 1 Corinthians 7:2

Now, I realize the factors that take place in this. Weddings are expensive, some people want to save up a little bit, and they want to make sure that the other person loves them back, and wants to spend the rest of their life with them. But the reality of the situation is that debt is going to happen. I understand waiting till you are financially sound but you can wait from your separate houses and separate beds every night. More often than not you are going to go into your marriage with debt from both of you, and that is okay. And the best way to find out if that other person loves you back is to ask them. Ask them if they want to marry you; spend the rest of their life sharing it with you and vise versa. I know, it will suck if you find out that they don't love you, or that they don't want to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you. But, it is better to find that out and move on, as long as it may take, than to be giving pieces of you and your heart away, as you do with sex, only to find out that they do not love you and do not want to marry you.

I'm not trying to dumb down the pain of being broken up with or left. I whole heartedly agree that it is a terrible feeling. Finding out that the person you saw yourself marrying did not have the same idea in mind rips you apart. And yes, it will take some time to recover. But you should try to remember that that was simply not who God had planned for you. And as much as the thought may cross your mind and keep nagging at you; You are not alone, and you are not going to die alone. God is always there with you and for you. He will never leave you. God loves you. God loves us. And if you feel the urge to say "Well why doesn't he marry it?" well... He did. We, as the church , are the bride of Christ. And He did more than just marry us, He saved us, He sacrificed His only son to die in our place. If that doesn't show true love, I don't know what would. 

The point I'm getting at is that our minds should be connecting loving someone to marrying them. None of these games in the middle where you try to test the waters of marriage by living together and sleeping together to see if you are "sexually compatible". I heard someone speaking on this topic once say "you're a boy, she's a girl... You're compatible. It's simple biology." And he's right. God meant for sex to be between one man and one woman in the bonds of marriage.

So, guys, you love her? Girls, you love him? Why don't you marry them? 

"For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God." 1Thessalonians 4:3-5

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2 

Guess what's back, Lent Is Back

Today is the first day of lent. It is a time for prayer and fasting and a time for Christians to repent of their sins and learn again to trust in their savior, Jesus Christ. It is a time to focus more on one thing, Jesus Christ and what He has done for us, and therefore less on other things that may be distracting us from remembering all that Christ has done for us. Though, a lot of people seem to take lent as a way to "show off" almost. They seem to use it to tell other people that they are christian and maybe even "more christian" than other people because they are giving up something "so big".

"And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others." Matthew 6:5

I know that question becomes a big part of conversations around this time because of everyone's curiosity. "What are you giving up for lent?" To be completely honest, it is no one's business but God's what you are giving up. It is not some show to impress people.

I am a little ashamed and a bit embarrassed to admit that last year I gave up a friendship for lent. One that, I thought, was not very good for me and I thought that lent was a good time of reflection and focusing on Christ and his sacrifice and God's mercy and less on the turmoil and stress of this sinful world. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing, but it turns out that maybe there were more selfish reasons behind that than I thought. But putting someone through that is terrible and will also make that person a lot less likely to focus more on Christ themselves. This is a time to have more opportunities to receive the gifts from God won by Christ's death and resurrection. It is a time to focus more on showing God's mercy and love to others, even though we should do that every day. That was not an excuse to cut someone out of my life and say I was doing it to "focus more on Christ" but I used it for that. I admit that I did that for selfish reasons and I will regret it for a very long time. The good news is that I know God has forgiven me and I thank him every day that we are saved by grace and not by works.

My point is, we tend to use lent as a time for personal gain in some way and it seems to be a little more "me" focused than God focused. Giving some certain food up for a diet and just using lent as a cover for it to make people see it as a more "Godly" thing. I pray that everyone, including myself, will use lent as a time to focus more on Christ and His sacrifice as we prepare to celebrate his resurrection.

So as far as what I am giving up for lent, that is between God and me, and no one else needs to care.