Sunday, February 9, 2014

The Fear of Ridicule?... or The Ridicule of Fear?

You would think that after a few years of this blog, putting my words out there and my opinions, I would not be afraid of what people think anymore. Truth is, I am still completely terrified. I cannot even count how many pieces I have in my drafts that I have written and not posted because I am too afraid that they sound ridiculous, or unintelligent. Given that this is all behind a computer screen, I cannot see how people react to it, so that should make it easier, right? Wrong. I do not know what is the matter with me. When I started this blog I wanted a place where I could put my thoughts and words out there for others to see, and I would not have to explain myself individually to every person who asks. Some days, I want to be sad. Some days, I want some time to myself. And some days, I take those times and write out my feelings here. But as I stare at the black words on the white page, everything starts to sound stupid. My mind races, second guessing itself left and right. My fear builds up inside me, and before I know it I am nitpicking every little thing, but my selfish self is still not happy with the product. This "great" idea I had for a post crumbled and disintegrated before my eyes. All because my fear took over. I have become more prone to caring what other people think about my writings, my thoughts. And it is not even just with my blog. My relationships, my decisions, my judgments; all are clouded by this fear of ridicule, when really it is the ridicule that fear gives off which is the problem. I have become more meticulous with every aspects of my life, careful to note how it will make others feel, or how it will effect their view on me. Recently, I've stopped to ask myself... why should I care? People are going to have their opinion of me whether I like it or not. It may be good and it may be bad, but the only thing I can do is be myself, the best 'me' that I can be. Talking about certain issues, proclaiming my opinion, but not forcing it on anyone, is who I am. I am starting to realize that it is not so important what others think as long as I am standing to my moral and ethical grounds and proclaiming my faith. Some people just will not like me, and I have come to accept that. That is okay because the only person whose love I want and need is my heavenly Father's, and I know that He loves me because He has showed it by sending His son to die for my sin's. He has defeated sin, death, and the devil and kicks my fears right in the face, away from me. His is the only acceptance I need. And that thought right there is what gives me my joy in life, and the push to move forward and put my thoughts out there.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." 1 John 4:18

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

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