Monday, December 11, 2017

These Last Days, Just the Two of Us

It's a strange feeling, really, sitting around waiting for what is supposed to be the worst pain in your life. Wincing at every sharp pain you get thinking "Is this it?" The past few months have been full of them and each time I fear for him a little, hoping that he's okay. Then there he goes, bouncing around like my insides are a carnival ride and I know that he is just fine. It's been a long nine months but, interestingly enough, some of the best I have ever had. Yes, the pains come and go and yes, he may have made me a little sick for a while there but I wouldn't change it for anything.

To be honest, I have been terrified since day one. There's a difference between talking about how many kids you want to have, what different things you will want to do with them, where you want to take them and then actually having a human being inside of you and realizing that at some point in the semi-near future they do have to come out, and then I have to still know how to keep them alive on the outside. Your body does so much for you and him, you kind of get used to it. As the date gets closer and closer (and is now past) the anxiety builds about not only having to bring him into this world but protecting him out here and doing all of the right things. The truth is, I am most likely going to mess up. That's pretty much inevitable with every new parent. Even together with my loving husband, we are still going to screw some things up. It's all a learning experience. One that I know I will be ready for the second they hand our baby boy to us, but for the time being, still freaking out over here.

For months now I have felt every single movement that he makes. It's an incredible, comforting experience and one that I am thankful my husband has been able to partially experience with me (our little guy is such a strong kicker that daddy could feel him from the outside pretty much as soon as I could from the inside). The connection has grown strong and I feel so close to my baby boy (obviously), but that still doesn't mean I feel ready to be close to him out here. It's a very scary thought. And I know that everyone wants to meet him and they are all anxious for him to come out, especially since he is late for his arrival, but I know that he will be here when he is good and ready and I don't really mind these last few extra days with him, just the two of us.

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