~ Being the Future Mrs.~

That's right blogging world, it finally happened. On April 17th, the love of my life took me to the place we had our first date, got down on one knee, and asked me to be his for the rest of our lives. And I said YES! I am beyond excited to start this next adventure with him! I'll let you in on a little secret, though: we have only been dating for 5 months and only known each other about that long, too. Yes, yes, I know, trust me, whatever you are probably thinking, we've heard it all already. Many people are very concerned that we are rushing into things or that we need to see each other through more seasons of life. Honestly, everyone's situations are different. People seem to judge seasons of life by time. Sometimes, hardships come all in one fell swoop. Unfortunately, we have had some hardships in the time of our dating. The good thing is that we've been able to see each other through those situations and to see how each person handles it. We've also been able to be that support that each of us needs. I am finishing up my senior semester of college, so he has definitely seen how I handle stress. He's seen me cry and he's seen me hit a wall that I think I can't come back from. I have broken down on him multiple times because graduating and heading for the real world is scary. And he has been by my side through it all, always reminding me that we can get through anything. "You, me, and God" he always says. And he is right. I don't know how I got so lucky to find a man who is constantly leading me back to Christ and who supports me in everything I do, even when I have no idea what I am doing. I only hope I have been able to do the same for him. So, you see? Yes, we have only known each other for 5 and a half months, but in that time we have both grown so much, and grown together so much. We have made the decision to love each other through everything. I honestly believe that when you know, you know. Other people don't get to tell you that you are rushing into things or that you are too young. We are two 22 year olds who have found the one whom our souls love. We know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, so why wait a year or more to start that adventure together? 

You know what another cool thing is? He comes from a family of 8 kids, and I come from a family of 5, both of which have more now because of in-laws. So we both understand the craziness of family get togethers, and are completely okay with it! I am so excited to be gaining more family members. Come November, I will have technically 7 more sisters and 3 new brothers (counting the in-laws)! Family is super exciting, and we are really excited to become one in November! 

I know that it has been a long road to get to this point, for both of us. I was definitely getting to a point where I wasn't sure how life was going to end up for me as far as relationships, and I was okay with that. As soon as I finally let go of trying to control my life and how it was going to go, Jordan stepped in. God has always had this in his hands, and will continue to, we know that full well. As long as we have each other and God, we know that we can withstand anything that life throws at us. 

 "I lift up my eyes to the mountains. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."
Psalm 121

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another." 

Romans 12:9-16

God's Place, God's Time

Today did not start out as planned. I was very much looking forward to sleeping in because I did not have class, but God had other plans. I am thankful that I was awoken when I was, though I did not see it at the time. I woke up a bit upset and since I decided sleep was probably not going to happen again anytime soon, I got up and took a long shower, thinking and praying (and a little bit of crying because, hey, I'm a girl). I then spoke to some wise and trusted people in my life, i.e- my parents, who prayed for me and gave me some peace of mind. So off I went to get coffee and get to work.

Here's where some of the cool stuff starts.

The guy I parked next to saw my bumper stickers, so walking along the path he was kind of waiting for me (which I at first thought was a little creepy) but then he just said "excuse me, are you pro-life?" and I was a little taken back because strangers don't usually ask that kind of question but I said "yes, I definitely am!" and he simply replied "I think that is so awesome! I am too, I think that babies are a gift from God" which I was very happy to hear and agreed wholeheartedly. We proceeded to talk for about 10 more minutes about pro-life things and how he has been praying for the different colleges in this area, especially those that say that they are christian but certainly do not act like it. It turns out, he does not even go to Lindenwood, he is just taking one class here, he is a student at Missouri Baptist University. By the grace of God, our paths crossed this morning. He said he felt God wanting him to say something to me and I am so thankful that he did! For someone completely separate from my life to tell me that what I am doing matters, that it makes a difference and that I am good for more than just making mistakes and messing everything up was just what I needed.

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." Hebrews 10:24-25

"Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain." Philippians 2:14-16

Thank you, Ben, you did so much more than you know today.

So after all of that I texted a student who I occasionally help with some organizational things for my job, and I found that she was admitted to the hospital last night; she has had a lot of respiratory issues on top of some other things. So I decided to go visit her.

Aside about her: She and I only became friends this semester but I already feel so close with her. We share many of the same beliefs and she has such a passion for learning, despite the many health road blocs she has to go through. She makes me so proud because even though she has accommodations from the school that push back her due dates, she tries so hard to turn everything in at the same time as everyone. She has so much ambition, regardless of her struggles, because she wants to help people.
The point is that sometimes people have bigger problems than our own, so I encourage you to step back and look at situations from someone else's shoes, and maybe take more appreciation in the things that God has put in your life, whether they be good or bad.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

So I went to visit her and while I was there the hospital priest came in to check on her and e prayed with us. Little did he know that he was praying for my healing as much as he was hers. As we prayed together I started to feel some weight come off of my shoulders. My mind became more and more at peace because this problem that I am having, it is all in God's hands. I am still upset about it, yes, but my faith and my trust in God to heal this wound was strengthened.
I am sure many of you are in stressful times, but I honestly believe that everyone involved takes a step back and looks from the outside and we trust that God will heal this, then He will.

So in a day that I was almost certain I would not find joy, God definitely showed me otherwise. How is there not to be joy when we have a Father who loves us so much that He sent His one and only son to suffer and die so that we would not have to suffer and we could win over death and the devil. Thank God for the little joys He puts in our lives every day.

 "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Perpetual Buffering

Buffering is the worst. It gets all the more frustrating when you are trying to watch a tv show on netflix or hulu and every 3 seconds it stops and buffers. We all know that spinning circle of doom- and we all hate it. I mean, come on, we think we've got something good going with our internet company- we pay them, they guarantee we can have streaming of whatever we want! But we all know that's not true.
But isn't that life sometimes? You think you've got something good with someone, you think you are starting to understand them, get to know them. Then, all of a sudden they start buffering on you. It seems they just keep stopping to "think", leaving you in limbo to try and figure out when they are ever coming back. Maybe sometimes they don't, and eventually you give up and try to refresh the situation. There's only so much you can do. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The worst part about the abrupt buffering is that there is no warning. There aren't any signs, sometimes, it just comes out of nowhere. And more often than not, that causes anger, instead of an attempt at trying to understand the situation. You might go through some stages- confusion, trying to understand from their perspective (then failing cause they gave you no explanation), crying, feeling betrayed, and usually hatred or anger starts to set in at the end there. Then you might just walk away; it's not worth the time or heart ache to stick around. There are other fish... I mean, internet companies out there. Move on, you deserve better than someone who ignores you and walks away without any explanation.
It hurts to get emotionally invested in something that keeps pausing on you, unsure on if it wants to continue or not. As much as you tell yourself you are just going to go with the flow and not let yourself get attached, we know that that is much easier said than done. If you have a heart, most likely you are going to care about that other person and become attached a little more as time goes on. That's why it hurts all the more when they pause. Racking your brain for what you could have possibly done different, done better, is pointless. If they don't want to have you and they do not have the decency to explain things to your face, then they are not worth your time or your heart ache. I believe that God puts some people in our lives to help us get closer to the other ones in our lives, and learn not to take them for granted. You always find out who your closest and dearest friends and family are when you are going through rough times.
On that note, though, there is someone who is never going to leave you, He will never abandon you. God loves you. He loves us all, so much, in fact, that he sent His only Son to die for all of us, because of our sin. He loves us so much and did not want us to suffer in eternal damnation because of that sin, that He sacrificed His only son. Find your joy in knowing that God is always going to be there, no matter what. No matter how many times you reject Him, no matter how many times you push Him away and tell yourself that you do not need Him or His salvation, He is never going to stop loving you. He will never turn His back on you. Having a perpetual savior is much better than dealing with life's perpetual buffering.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"The Steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

My Day of Silence

As part of a national campaign for Students For Life of America, today was a "Pro-life day of silent solidarity" where students across the country gave up their voices for a day for those over 3,000 babies a day that have their lives end in the name of choice. I was very excited to join in on this today because it is such a visual representation of what is actually happening to these babies. I was also incredibly nervous. As most people know, I do not like the spot light, I do not like being looked at very much, and this definitely drew a lot of eyes. At the same time, though, I could feel an uncomfortable air from a number of people. It was like watching in a zoo, except, I wasn't sure what side of the glass I was on. At times it felt like I was watching the animals; watching what they do when something different, something controversial comes around. And then of course I felt like the monkey everyone was watching because I have a giant piece of red duct tape across my mouth reading "LIFE" and a shirt that says "I will use my voice for those who cannot speak." Yep, I am a walking controversial billboard. One guy was having a conversation, saw me and stopped to read it and then said "Yeah, okay" like he was annoyed or just blowing it off. (But he read it.)

The point is, this day of silence was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I prayed for courage this morning because I did not know if I could actually get through this. Because I want to explain, I want to talk to people about it, engage them in conversation about abortion and why these children should get to have a voice. Turns out, though, silence speaks louder than you think sometimes. It gets the wheels turning and puts the thought into people's minds because, quite frankly, it is a rather odd display and a pretty powerful one at that.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you, He will not leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

I think that best part about this day is what I personally learned from it. Imagine sitting in a class where people bring up something you know a lot about- even better, maybe the bible is brought up, or abortion or some other controversial issue that you feel strongly about. Now imagine that you do not get to say a thing. Almost literally having to hold your tongue when you know that this could be a chance to evangelize; this could be a chance to teach; this could be a chance to change someone's heart or mind on an idea, a chance to save a life. But you can't. You can't speak, you can't communicate. What if it was your life you could save? But you can't speak. And you never will because other human beings have made that decision for you.
You deserve a voice. They deserve a voice. Those infants in their mother's womb, they deserve a chance to live a life where they get to use their voice. They deserve the chance to be sitting in class and talking about something they've learned a lot about. They deserve the chance to experience talking about something that they are passionate about, a chance to help some cause they feel strongly about.

Last night my roommate commented that it was depressing that she wouldn't be able to talk to me all day today. All I could think is, how depressing for those children and the people who they will never get to touch with their lives; all the conversations they will never get to have. Now, that is depressing.

As sinful humans, we have no idea what God has planned for that child, only He does. We don't get to decide if they fulfill their potential or not, only He does.

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." 
Proverbs 19:21

After this experience, more than ever, I am ready and wanting to jump up and speak out for those children. Fight for their chance at a life, because I believe that everyone deserves that. That child who, from the moment of conception, has 46 of his/her own chromosomes making him or her their own unique person. That child who, at just 24 days, already has a beating heart. That child whom God has a plan for, just like He did for you and me. They deserve to find the joy in life, simply by first having a life.

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute." Proverbs 31:8

There Are No More Moves

I'm a solitaire person mostly, but I've been playing other games on my computer when I have no internet access but need something that does not require a lot of thought. At some point, in some games, you find yourself repeating the same actions, hitting the deck over and over again hoping a new card will show up that you can actually use. Eventually the computer picks up on it and sends you a pop up saying “There are no more moves” and you can either stay and undo a few moves to see if you can do something different or just start a new game, freshly shuffled with a new set up of the cards.

Gee, wouldn't it be nice if life did that sometimes? If something just hit us in the face saying, “there are no more moves, it is time to move on.” We don't even notice it sometimes then we find ourselves beating a dead horse, repeating the same mistakes over and over again. There are not any “undo” buttons in life. You do an action, maybe make a mistake, and then you deal with the consequences, good or bad. We keep looking through the deck, trying to find the same answer that maybe worked a different time, but only finding the same things that are of no use this time. It is time to move on. It is time to let go. Some games cannot be won. Some games have other games on top of them... Trumped by another player because they happened to sneak their way in and win over you. God tries to put up those signs that “there are no more moves”, he tries to nudge us along by putting people in our lives or situations, options, where we can get out, get away from this situation. Sometimes it is better to just “start a new game." Sometimes it is better to just walk away.

I have found that, for myself, I have a savior complex in some situations. I think that everything- everyONE- needs saving. I think that I can be the one to do that, if they would just give me a chance. No matter how much they might push me away. There are no undo buttons in life. Even if I did not see what happened. Even if I still do not know what happened, I cannot undo it. I may never know. That other player came in and moved some cards around without me knowing. Now I'm finding myself flipping through the same stack of cards, with the same solutions that are not helping in this situation. It is time to move on. Leave that player to play others, try to win over them. It is not your job to try and save this player from themselves. Only God can do that. You are not a savior. You are a player in God's story for you. Let Him use you where He will, but stop beating a dead horse when that person is not interested in your help.

Hit “Start a new game”- let God guide your moves. He is the champion of it all, so he's got to be the best coach. With God as your coach, how could you not find the joy in your life?

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you." Jeremiah 29:11-12