Refuge

 I feel like we always talk about how we have faith and we believe that God will provide and things like that, but how often do we actually believe our own words? And how often are we just trying to convince someone else, or ourselves?

Back at the end of February I discovered a women's renewal retreat at a camp in south Texas. It was the same weekend as a bachelorette party I was supposed to go to, but circumstances changed and God definitely opened the door wide open for this retreat. He basically pushed me through it because I was a little resistant to go and leave the boys for 2 nights (which I've never done). It was hard to beginning with but I had a 5 hour drive to regain my composure and set my mind for this retreat. Lord knew I needed it, much  more than I thought. 

The theme of the retreat was REFUGE. We covered Psalm 46.

"God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling... The Lord of Hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our fortress." Psalm 46:1-3;7

Here are some things I took away from this retreat (and yes, I knew a lot of this already but it clearly needed to be reiterated) :

- We are refugees, in need of a safe place with God our heavenly Father. Even when we think we don't.

- In the bad times AND the good times. We should seek Him for comfort, and remember to thank Him for  the answered prayers.

- He is always there, even in the good times. Especially in the good times. We need to remember to thank Him for the good He has brought us instead of just looking at prayer as this checklist of complaints. 

- Be Still. Remember that he is Almighty, that He can handle everything. There is nothing he cannot do. Stop and Listen.

So, yes, I obviously knew a lot of these things- in the back of my mind. But we tend to forget, I think. It sometimes feels as though our faith is put on the backburner and just comes out to save face- to say "God has got this" so that others might see that you have faith. So you can tell yourself you're witnessing to that person right now. So that you don't get a "lecture" from someone about needing to trust God. When someone tells me "The Lord will provide" my instant response is always "Yeah, I know"... But do I? Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that He will, but in the forefront, my anxiety takes a strong hold of my mind- Satan holds on tight and tells me "worry about this" "How will you handle that?" "You can't do this". It was well needed (and the Lord knew that) to be reminded to be still. To remember to go to Him at all times, not just when things are hard. 

This retreat also afforded me sisterhood friendships. Friendships I didn't even know I was missing. Friendships that point me to Christ and to remember to pray and talk to Him often. 

I had put so much stock in my identity as a mother the last few years that I forgot that my identity first and foremost is as a daughter of our Lord. A daughter of the King. 

I am so thankful God put this retreat in my path and afforded me the resources to go. He gave me peace of mind and He made the way clear so I could get there. God truly does work all things together for good. And I know I will be returning for this retreat next year, God willing, even with little man in tow. If you're looking for the joy in life, start looking to the creator of everything (including that joy ;) ).

Kara Joye

God bless the USA

It has been a somber week. With the 20th anniversary of those horrific attacks on our country, my husband and I have been watching a national geographic documentary on Hulu called "9/11: One day in America". It is a six episode series with real life accounts of people who were there. Firefighters who were in the tower when it collapsed. Survivors from the impact zone in the South tower. A lawyer who survived two separate times that day. The stories of the deafening silence after the towers fell. These people's stories are incredible. The things they saw and heard. The things they can never un-see or unhear.  Watching the footage and hearing their recounting of that day has been emotional and just shocking to watch. I cannot even imagine the fear going through people's minds that day and probably in the days that followed for a bit. I mean some of these people didn't even know what had happened, they just ran and ran until they got out far enough, looked back and said "Where are the twin towers?" It is honestly unfathomable what these people went through that day; what we as a country went through 20 years ago. These attacks on our country and the subsequent war. So many lives lost. 

And now where are we? 20 years later and we are under more attacks. This time from our own people, even. People fighting left and right. There is so much division in this country. Instead of coming together as a country, like we did after those dark horrible days in 2001, we have been splitting further and further apart. 

You know, the other night as I was driving home, I heard "God bless the USA" on the radio. And I kid you not, I cried the entire way through that song. 

"And I'm proud to be an American,
Where at least I know I'm free.
And I won't forget the men who died,
Who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up,
Next to you and defend her still today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land,
God bless the USA."

I mean honestly. right now, does it really feel like we are honoring those men and women who fought and died to keep our freedoms? Do you feel like our neighbor would gladly stand up next to you and defend this country? There has been so much derision of people who don't believe the same as we do. I'm not saying I'm innocent by any means. But this has got to stop. I am not intending to make this a political post. You can have your opinion, I can have mine; and guess what? They can be different. We can still be friends. We can still stand together to keep the freedoms for this country so that we can continue to have the right to our differing opinions. 

"If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand." Mark 3:25

On that dreadful day 20 years ago, our enemies thought they could destroy us but we proved them wrong. We came together, we grew stronger together, and we fought back- together- not divided.

I know people have opinions about this but I honestly believe that God works all things together for good. 

"And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Think of it this way, we all like cake, right? Or some kind of yummy dessert. So set out all of your ingredients that will get you to that yummy dessert. Now, start eating them individually- maybe they'll all taste good once they are together in your stomach!... No? Right, some of those ingredients taste pretty awful alone. And honestly, it's hard to see the picture of the glorious cake when you look at just a pile of ingredients. 

Some of these happenings right now taste pretty awful. Actually downright disgusting, if I'm being completely honest. But I know God is working. He is working on people's hearts. He is working on a plan we cannot even fathom. He has GOT US. He's gonna make us the most amazing cake ever- whether we get it on this side or in heaven. Trust God. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

The world is a scary place right now. There is war, there is suffering, there is heartache, death- there are events (ingredients) that are really not tasting too great right now. All we can do, is give it to God. He is our protector, He is our Savior, He is going to pull us through whatever we are going through, and then some. It so much easier to say than to do, I definitely know that. All I can say is, try. His will, not ours. Here is a prayer that I have been trying to keep in mind lately. I hope it is of help to you to bring you some peace and help you to find and refocus on the joys in life that Our good and gracious Father gives to us. 

Lord, I thank You that You are the God of the impossible. You can do anything. I want to trust in Your ability and not my own. Teach me to see difficulties in my life from Your perspective. Help me to focus on You and Your power. I want to be like Joshua and Caleb who believed in a good report and focused on You even in hard circumstances (Numbers 14:7-9). My responsibility is to carefully read, trust, and obey Your Word. Help me not to fear but to trust You in these situations. I declare my faith in Your ability to fulfill Your promises to me. You will fight for me and win the battles in my life. You are mighty, powerful, righteous, and true. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Our God is an awesome God

 I really only get to listen to the radio when we are in the car, and even then it’s a wonder I hear anything still because of small children. But yesterday we heard the song “Awesome God” by Rich Mullins and both of us were like “I haven’t heard this song in a long time”. Well today I heard it 3 times. Three. And I was only in the car for a total of probably an hour all day. 

I mean, yes, the radio stations play old and new but they were playing this song like it was a new hit. I am one to really dive into the lyrics too, so naturally I started thinking about the words and the current state of our country and the elections coming up tomorrow. I think it is good to remember that no matter what happens with the election tomorrow; no matter what happens with Covid and/or any other diseases that may strike; whatever happens in our personal lives - our God is an awesome God. 

“When the sky was starless in the void of the night, He spoke into the darkness and created the light. Judgment and wrath He poured out on Sodom, mercy and grace He gave us at the cross.”

How incredible is that. I don’t know if you think about it enough or really appreciate all the facts but our God- He is amazing. He created everything out of NOTHING. He healed the sick, he raised the dead, he died in the cross for all of us. Died an excruciating, Terrible, humiliating death that we all deserve- but He did it, so we could live in eternity with Him. How amazing. 

Too easily we dwell on the craziness in life, especially the crazy that is 2020. I get it. It’s been an interesting year and sometimes it’s hard to see where God is in all of this. You see what the media wants you to see and that can make you feel hopeless. But we so easily forget that God is right there. He has His hand in everything. I was definitely scared at first, but more so scared for my children if I got Covid and died. And to be honest, I’m a little terrified of this election, but I do have faith that God will work good out of anything that comes. 

So just as we have been doing all year, and always- we pray. We pray without ceasing. And have faith that the Lord will carry us and know that He will always be the true ruler. 

You can only find the joy in your life when you stop looking at all the negative, and look to God. 

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

“Praise be to the name of God forever and ever; wisdom and power are His. He changes times and seasons; He deposed kings and raises up others. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning.” Daniel 2:20-21

The First Month

With my sweet little angel asleep in the ring sling on me, I finally have some time to write. At least until he wakes up and we continue our routine of eating, sleeping, and pooping (you know it's true).

Boy has this first month been a whirlwind. I don't think there is anything I could have done to prepare myself for the emotional and physical toll motherhood would take on me. Don't get me wrong, I love being his mom, but as most of you know, pregnancy and birth do not come without hormone fluctuations or sleep deprivation. I was lucky that this baby took to breastfeeding so well, and so did I, that we didn't seem to have any issues. That is until I forgot to eat and didn't realize the issues that would cause. The day we got home from the hospital I was just beside myself, mostly due to the hormones, because my baby was crying and I couldn't give him the food he needed. Turns out I just hadn't eaten all day and so my milk just wasn't supplying because I basically wasn't giving my body the fuel to provide it. Thank God for my very knowledgeable sister for coming over that night and helping us figure that all out and holding our little one while mommy and daddy got some rest (also contributing to the hysterical me- sleep deprivation). Once I had eaten something and gotten a little rest and a shower we were back on track.

Recovering from a C-section is a little different than the natural way, but I hear both are hard. I don't have anything to compare it to so right now all I know is a c-section birth and its aftermath. While we were at the hospital it was hard to move much and I could not get out of bed without a bit of help. Gravity was not my friend those first few weeks. Once I was standing up straight it was definitely working against my insides and that incision. Staying on top of the pain meds was key, which I wasn't so good at, considering my mind was on something else. Once I remembered, because the pain was actually there, it got worse before the meds could kick in. Thankfully I only really needed them for that first week or so.

Since I couldn't get out of bed easily at all I couldn't reach my baby in his bassinet. I couldn't get up to change any diapers and I couldn't move him to the bassinet after he fell asleep after eating. I am incredibly thankful for my amazing husband. He changed all of his diapers for the first three days, and he didn't even mind. He was right there by my side to get me and peter whatever we needed. He was and is my rock when things get hard and I do not feel sufficient to do this mom stuff. He loves his son more than life, you can tell. He just can't wait till he's bigger and can start playing catch with daddy 😊.

That first week (and really the first month) brought a lot of crying, from both mom and Peter. When we are out places, mostly church or with family, I felt anxious when others were holding him. My heart was racing and I was just beside myself emotionally. I don't know what causes it, it's just something that happens. I've been told it is normal by a few people, including my doctor, so I am not too worried.

This mom thing is not easy. You may feel insufficient. You obviously feel exhausted. You may sit there and watch them sleep to make sure they are still breathing. You may sit with them in your arms and cry with them because you feel like you are not doing enough to keep them happy and safe. You may worry about every little thing and keep them inside as much as you can. (Mostly because it's cold and who really needs to go out if you don't have to, but also, postpartum anxiety is definitely something people don't talk about and it's a real thing.)You may also feel like you're being way too paranoid and that everyone is judging you for whatever decisions you make for your child. The truth is, you are sufficient. You are enough. And one day, you will get the sleep back (18 years from now, I hear). I know that I sound like a crazy person with how I am worried about this and that but the decisions I make for my son are what help keep me semi-sane and less anxious (seriously, postpartum anxiety is real, look it up, please). I don't know how long it will last. I don't know how many more times I will cry with my son- probably quite a few. What I do know is that I have my wonderful husband by my side, and an amazing God guiding us and protecting all three of us along the way.


Even as I type he fidgets around to get comfortable and coos, ever so slightly, jolting me back into the reality I now know. The reality that I have a family to take care of. The reality that this little human is my responsibility. But also, the reality that someday this little human is going to grow up, and so I want to bask in these moments with him for as long as I can- soak it all in. He's only a baby once. I don't want to miss a minute.
Yes, being a mom can be hard, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have definitely found my joy(e) in life- being a wife and mother.

Our Birth Story

 As most of you know, our little man took his sweet time coming into this world. My doctor did not want me to go longer than a week past my due date so he said that we would induce on the 14th if I did not go into labor naturally before then. I was really wary of being induced because I wanted him to just come when he was ready and I didn't want to cause any problems by forcing it. I had also heard that contractions can be a lot harder and more painful when induced. We tried what we could (and what I was willing to try) to induce labor naturally (That's a no to the castor oil). I had also had some issues with high blood pressure in the week leading up to and the week after his due date, but nothing so alarming that they felt it necessary to induce early, thankfully. So since no natural way worked and my blood pressure stabilized, we went ahead and scheduled the induction for that Thursday morning, the 14th. We got to the hospital at 5 AM to get everything started. By 6 AM I was all hooked up to IV fluids and the monitors.

Once my doctor came in and broke my water a few hours later, the contractions got a lot harder and more painful. I think I held out for a couple of more hours (I don't really have any idea at this point) but eventually, I asked for the epidural. After that, I felt great. Couldn't feel a thing from the waist down, it was fantastic! So every hour or so the nurse and my husband helped move me into different positions to try and get the baby to drop into the birth canal. This went on for most of the day. Six PM came around. That's right, we'd been there 13 hours with some progress, but not as much as we'd hoped. I was dilated to 8 centimeters, which would be definite progress, except I had been at that for the past 4 hours. The baby's heart rate was going up because he had been trying to push past my pelvis for hours, with no luck. The doctor suggested (more urged) a C-section. My husband and I were both terrified of this option. I had been preparing myself for really the whole pregnancy, but especially those last few weeks, to have to do the whole labor and pushing part. I was scared to do even that but I had come to terms with it because obviously, it needed to happen to get our little boy. The possibility of a c-section really hadn't crossed my mind and clearly, it should have.

We didn't have much choice and we knew that this was the safest way to get him out and was the right choice for us so we agreed and they started prepping me for surgery. It's all a bit of a blur until I got into the operating room and even there I guess I was just so exhausted from the long day and the fluids and everything that they had me on that I could barely keep my eyes open. Aside from that, the team we had working on me and with us in the room was incredibly helpful and informative, letting us both know what was happening at all times and what was going to happen. That definitely put us both at ease, I think.

So, on December 14th, after an incredibly long day and a 20-minute procedure, at 7:14 PM our little angel was born. He was 8 pounds 13 ounces, 21 inches, and the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. The nurses cleaned him up a little and then brought him to me so we could go skin to skin. It was incredible.

It may not have gone the way we had "planned" but it went as God had planned. It may have been a long road and had a few unexpected twists and turns but our beautiful bundle of joy is here and healthy and we couldn't be happier.

"I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life, he will be given over to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:27-28

"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him." Psalm 127:3